Today I felt sad.
A deeply emotional melancholy which pervaded my entire environment. My work, my relaxation breaks, my inter-office communications and my musings among the clouds covering Joburg.
I had heard, after 15 years, some words from my brother. We used to be close, but, like two trees sundered for years one from the other, we have little in common any more. This would make anyone sad. But the state of the country – the rabid self-serving pomposity of most of its politicians, the growing violent crime and the free-falling standards of living for all – and the horrendous state of the human world all had their say in my mood.
And “mood” it was, and all it was. I can feel deeply sad without losing my sense of being in the world, one with the life and energy of the web.
That is melancholia, and it’s human.
On the other hand, for about 2 weeks I have been dogged sporadically by something entirely different in magnitude and kind: depression.
I have felt it before, when I foolishly took an anti-inflammatory which was not prescribed for me. That was a nasty little episode, and it was undoubtedly chemical in origin.
But this, lately, has caught me completely off guard.
It’s a bit like being trapped in a box barely big enough for your body. You’re crouched, unable to move, and the only emotions which come through are bursts of rage.
If someone comes up to the box and tries to help you out of it, you feel like you want to rip their head off.
If someone so much as walks past the box, or comes into the vicinity of the box, you also feel like ripping their head off.
And all the time, your sense of being a part of this magical, awesome universe of Life and the becoming of Life is..gone.
Like a network from yourself to the rest of the cosmos has been summarily and totally severed. No sense of Being. No sense of the Love which infuses all things. No real sense at all.
It’s horrible beyond the telling of it. And this is Depression, I am given to understand.
I have, by the grace of the Great Spirit, been able to lift and clear these symptoms to a large degree, through the blessed help of our plant allies. I am so grateful to these unselfish beings for sharing their beneficence with humans, for without them I would have still been trapped in that box.
I cannot make this connection through any of the usual religious methodologies. This has long been a problem for me, although I can empathise with those for whom they do work.
For me, it’s possible to re-connect (or re-ligate) the soul connection through other living beings giving of their spirit to infuse into mine.
I’m getting better. But I beseech, with all my being, the Great Living Spirit that I never have to go there again; into the box, with no connections and only a spiraling, raging, internal red light of rage and despair to keep me breathing.