Bringing Shadows To Light

 

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I woke up in the middle of last night sweating and shaking. The nightmare was – as is often the case – still very much with me. I had a smoke, tried to convince myself, not entirely successfully, that I had been dreaming, and lay down to sleep again.

You see, the day before yesterday I had been whingeing about my blocked left ear and running left eye in the presence of our resident energy healer at work. 

He’s very good. Even if we aren’t always on exactly the same page as each other we are at least reading from the same book.

So when he suggested that my problems had their root in the paternal side of my family line, I listened. True it was that I’d heard nothing from my father for about a year in dreams. I set about working to rectify that almost immediately.

Well, I had a good wander through the lands leading up to the portal into the after-life with my Dad, and I felt I’d started to get somewhere indeed.

And then, last night, I had this dream.

I was in a familiar place: the flat my son and I used to occupy next door to my parents over 14 years ago. The last place I’d seen either of my parents alive.

I was feverishly trying to clean up and tidy the kitchen., including installing new taps in the sink, but my son and my father were having none of it. They let me know quite clearly that they considered me mad – as well as sick and possibly dangerous as well – and that I should remove myself from their sight at once.

After further communications along these lines, I woke up in the state of terror a realistic nightmare induces in you. But it had started a train of introspection.

It is true, you know, that my family literally dumped me in the basement of the state hospital and left me there – to die, or not as it turns out. Alone, shaking, sick and half coherent.

Whether they were right or wrong is not the point. I don’t know. I don’t know how I would have handled me at that time – I’d like to think it wouldn’t have been like that, but who really knows?

So it’s just a matter of record that my family abandoned me in a very cruel manner. I was dumped, disenfranchised, disinherited and un-loved all at once.

And it’s something – despite the bare facts of the matter – which I hadn’t fully recognised until that dream last night.

It needed to come to light, where I can look at it from all angles and integrate this experience into the Being I Am.

There’s no moral judgement from me at this stage – how could there be? – but at last a full realisation of the cast-off state I was coming from all those years ago.

Perhaps it will help me see myself and my family of origin in a clearer light.

But whatever, this was past its time in coming, and I’m thankful.

Oh, and my ear and eye? Much better, thank you.

 

Pic:By 0Antares0

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4 responses to “Bringing Shadows To Light

  1. I’m glad you feel a bit better. It is difficult sometimes to really grasp the cruelty of those whom everyone tells you are “yours”…the family that should love and nurture you. The tendency to tell yourself “Oh, it couldn’t have been THAT bad,” over and over could easily block more than an ear!

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  2. That’s it. There was love in that family, once, I know that. I have been refusing to clearly see that it failed.
    Later in that dream 2 dogs came in and a voice said “There’s an Angel standing behind you.”. I just remembered that part.
    Love
    T in J

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  3. Such a valuable insight — and it speaks to me too of how we stigmatise and isolate those going through any kind of breakdown, how families shun or reject the sufferer or distance from the chaos and pain. My mother’s suicide was treated as an ‘unspeakable’ event and none of us could acknowledge her despair and loneliness as she fragmented.

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