The dogs were enchanted, as is their way, to have me at home, although my partner was not so charmed at having a source of bubonic plague so close at hand. I washed clothes and floors, watered the garden and restarted Thorn Coyle’s excellent Kissing the Limitless, with great concentration.
I also got to stay off the internet.
I’ve been stepping up my spiritual practise recently, and this work has inevitably taken me to the place where I confront my own demons.
Not that I’ve never done this before – ten years ago my demons almost overwhelmed my living soul. Then, a little while ago, I made a reconnection with my shadow totem – the black panther. I’d suffered nightmares of big cats for years, especially after I came through my dismemberment, and sure enough, that great, graceful, powerful being was trying to get my attention. Fear of my own power. What’s that? A common enough pathology. We don’t truly start to heal until we’ve met our monsters and reclaimed them.
A couple of moons ago, it was the demon I name Anger I went after, with some success. Now I’m facing the one which is perhaps key to all of them – Dependence.
Sure, it’s shown its fearsome face in many ways in my life – and not just substance dependence. In fact, that’s more of a side shoot of the true demon. Dependence on things or people to get me through, to form a buffer between myself and the world, can take many forms. Relational dependence. Dependence on a delusion of my own superiority. Dependence on forms and ritual, places and people: comforting habits of thought and of action.
The demon looking at me from out the triangle is almost as old as I am, and thus a pretty basic, integral part of Who I am. Surrounded by words of power, by my knowledge of my own divinity, ringed by my allies and ex-demons-turned-allies, the Aspect didn’t exactly collapse into a heap and run whimpering away. Nor did I wish for it to.
For this is an important part of Me. Treated with the compassion I am rediscovering for mySelf I can now absorb it. It becomes another ally.
Slowly, softly, I progress on the spiral of healing.