Shamanic Dismemberment

Back in the bosom of the corporate world, shiny and bright in a new year.
My head , however, in a different space altogether.
I’m putting this down here mostly for my own purposes, in case I begin to doubt that I have actually undergone a shamanic dismemberment.

Lying in the basement of a hospital with a suitcase, semi-conscious. Being found by a hospital orderly and admitted.
For days, lying in the hospital bed ,with the guard rails up, in my own blood and my own waste products.
The bizarre products of my dying brain: a panoramic replay of my life thus far, visions of people living and dead,a disorientation not only of time-space but of the senses, a kind of synesthesia.
For days being unable to walk or hold a cup.
The inside of the psychiatric wing of the hospital.
Sleeping on the actual pavements of Hillbrow, in daylight and at night.
Sleeping on somebody’s front lawn where I was dumped after being raped.
Having the pitiful few contents of my suitcase which were worth anything stolen from me.
Sleeping in some good stranger’s house, for a few hours.
Sleeping on a hard bench in a police station.
Queuing for bread and soup at the Salvation Army. Scrubbing floors and washing dishes for my keep.
What it feels like to be suddenly alone, cut off from family and friends alike.
What it feels like to be dying.
What this city looks like from underneath.
What it feels like to be raped.
What it feels like to be threatened with a gun.
What it feels like to have no home.
Realising that there is great violence and horror in people’s dealings one with another.
Realising that there are good kind people in this world.
Finding the man who is my life partner today at this homeless shelter.

PS Some great art including the post-header, here


5 responses to “Shamanic Dismemberment

  1. Hi, I just got back and will read this post more carefully later. Just wanted to let you know that I just posted a short video on my blog that I will be deleting in the morning.


  2. Thats a whole bunch of things that make you who you are today. Cause and effect comes to mind (again), but I cant even begin to imagine the depth of emotion here in your words. No judgement from me though…but I will make one “observation”….I get nothing but a vibe of love from both you and “w”. That speaks to me deeply. The way people are towards each other affects me deeply … positive or negative. And….once again I am left wondering if there is a greater “designer/s” at work in the universe.Love, Shell


  3. Boy, you sure went through a lot, and made it back, many don’t. They just keep making the same stupid decisions over and over again. You did good, I’m thankful that I never did get into drugs,hugs.


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